I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
