He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
