By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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