Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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