Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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