apparently the secret to your success is patron
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
