Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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