but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
