My Higher Power is John Stamos
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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