3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
