My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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