I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
