I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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