Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
