do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
