She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
