The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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