I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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