The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
