Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
