My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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