I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
did i walk over a car last night?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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