dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
