and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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