Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i out mim tonsoeep
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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