Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
