my mouth tastes like poor choices
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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