I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
