I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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