Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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