update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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