mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
