it wasn't lemon gatorade
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
