I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
