i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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