She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize