I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She tied me up with her honor cords...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
