I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
