I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
