Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
