And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
