i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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