You really coming over, don't trick.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
