someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You smell like stripper and shame
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
