I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
