I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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