I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
