Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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