What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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