had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
