You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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