dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
