I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
