His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
