I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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