Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Operation Purity has been aborted
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
