this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
