Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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