You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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