Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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