Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I can't turn off my feet"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
